Divorce!
by Stepping on Leprechauns
Summary: What happens when Bella divorces Edward and ALice and Emmett are thier attorneys! Read this to find out! It's funny! I hope... Yeah, I suck at summaries...Please read and respond!:D :D
1. Chapter 1

**DIVORCE**

CHAPTER ONE

"NOOOO!!!!! DO **NOT** CALL ME **EDDY****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** The cry sliced through the air like a knife.

"OMG **ED!** YOU ARE SO UPTIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bella shrieked.

"ED?! **ED?****!!!!!!! **YOU ARE SO EXSASPERATING!!!!!!" Edward responded.

"I want a divorce!" Bella informed Edward.

"FINE!"

"FINE!!"

**"FINE!!!!"**

**"****FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**

"You 2 are in luck! Emmett and I have returned from Harvard Law. We are now both divorce attorneys," A perky high pitched voice squealed. Edward and Bella turned to see Alice and Emmett standing in the doorway holding big, brown, briefcases. They wore matching pinstriped suits (Alice's was a skirt) with purple ties (Emmett's was polka dotted, Alice's was stripes.) There was an awkward silence as Bella and Edward comprehended what was going on.

"I call Alice!" Bella said, breaking the silence.

"No! I wanted Alice!" Edward whined.

"What's wrong with me?" Emmett moaned.

"Shut up, Kabob! You're an idiot," Edward muttered.

"Uh… Kabob?" Emmett asked.

"Shush Kabob," Edward scolded. Alice and Bella laughed at this despite the heavy atmosphere. They just couldn't help it.

"Bella you can't leave me. You're immortal. You're immortal because of me," Edward said.

"Wow Edward. I'm still getting a divorce," Bella said tossing her hair.

"Bella… You j-just can't l-l-leave m-m-m-m-me!!!!!!!!" Edward cried.

"Deal… Ed," Bella said as she left the room, being as hot as possible (just to taunt Edward.) Edward groaned as he watched Bella (slow and sexy) and Alice (prim and businesslike) leave the room.

**Author's note: Please give a review!!!!!! That would be awesome!!!!!!!!! I hope you liked it!!!!!!!! – Em.**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Edward and Emmett walked into the courtroom 20 minutes early to make a good impression. Except the judge wasn't there yet…

"Em, I'm not sure I want to get a divorce," Edward said.

"Edward, right now I am your attorney, not your brother. Call me Mr. McArty. Any way it is too late to back out now… unless you want to go through the thing by making it up as you go along. Though, since it's my first case I want to win. You know, builds a reputation…" Emmett's voice trailed off, imagining a time as an amazing lawyer. 'Yeah right', Edward thought. His clients wouldn't be able to trust him. If they were human, that is…

"No Mr. McArty. It doesn't matter," Edward said. Silence took over the courtroom once more.

Noise filled the courtroom as every one of the Cullen's, Bella and the judge (who looked as if he couldn't wait for Bella to get divorced) filed in. After the normal court procedure started Alice stood up.

"My client has a very, valid reason for wanting to have a divorce with Mr. Edward Cullen. Apparently the two of them fight a lot. As a witness I call to the stand… Mr. Jasper Hale!" Alice said.

Once he got to the stand Jasper turned to everyone and said, "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth. Edward and Bella fight all the time. They fight over every little detail, too. Who catch- um I mean carves the Thanksgiving turkey, what to call Edward, if it's possible to see the equator, whether or not the Bermuda Triangle exists, and" - he paused in frustration- "exactly how EMO am I. Really, it's driving me nuts. Thank you for your time."

With confidence Emmett stood up with a glance at Edward and said, "My client and I agree." Then he sat down. The judge said (all too eagerly), "Then you two are officially divorced." Bella smiled smugly and spoke quietly to Alice. Vampire quietly. Bella knew Edward couldn't hear them.

"Thanks, Alice, now my plan is in motion...." Bella said. Alice played along, so she was still playing the attorney role, as if to lead Edward on. Suddenly Alice looked curious.

"Are you moving out?" she asked, specifically design so that Edward could hear her now.

"No… Why?" Bella said, becoming suspicious.

"Edward isn't either…" Alice informed her.

"Ohhhh…" Bella tried her best not to sound relieved.

**Author's note: Thanks to my editor Jazz (read her fanfic, 'the Cullen's including Bella use AIM!') Please give me a review!!! If you read this include in our review "Em is awesome!!!!!" Bye!!!!! Em. **


	3. Author's Note

**Author's Note: I'm very sorry to say this, but it'll be about 500 years between every update because I currently have the biggest schedule known to man. Tons of homework, writing a book, school play, a ballet show (but I might be kicked out of that due to the fact I can't come to class every Wednesday…). You see? I have ****a lot**** to do these days… -Em**


	4. Chapter 3!

CHAPTER THREE

The next few days were full of tension at the Cullen household. Bella and Edward were very careful not to speak to each other and Edward was very high strung. It didn't help, of course, that every time Edward walked into a room with Alice, she would start doing very complicated math (which gave him a headache), translating the bible into Dutch, Chinese and Korean sign language in her head, thinking about how stupid he was to let Bella go or thinking about how Bella is quite unhappy…

"Eddy!!!!!!" A voice rang out through the house one day. Imagine how surprised Edward was to find out it was Bella (he would recognize her voice anywhere.) _Now she wants to make up. Well, I'll just be cold for a little bit and see how she likes that! Yes, I'll let her think she's lost me forever,_ he thought. Edward was very put out to see Bella come prancing cheerfully into the room, not looking at all guilty, sad or lonely (which are the emotions that Eddy was having.)

"My name's Edward, not Eddy," he mumbled tersely.

"Oh, don't act so cold," Bella said brightly. "I know this is killing you!" _Don't lose it, Edward! _Eddy thought. _Remember, cold!_

"Bella, give up! You've lost me forever! I'm dating, uh, Monica the butterfly!" Eddy cried passionately. _Nice way to lose it! You didn't have to be dating anyone. Bella just had to lose you!_

"…Ooooookay! I was just coming to say I hope you've gotten over me and started dating again. I have! *Sigh* Mike Newton's sooo sweet. He's my boyfriend now…" she purred devilishly. She then turned and walked away (doing her best to be as sexy as possible, I might add.)

"BELLA!!!!!!!!!!! WAIT!!!!!! I haven't started dating yet!!!! I love you and can't get over you!!!! Come back! Mike Newton's no good!!!!!!!" screeched a panting Edward.

Turning around to face him, Bella said, "Oh, sure, I figured that much when you claimed you were dating at all. It didn't take a butterfly to prove that… Anyway, this whole things a lie! I never wanted to divorce you. Just wanted the human experience! (I never dated Mike Newton either!)" Bella cried.

"…? You're a vampire…"

"Who says a vampire can't have human experiences?!"

"Bella, a vampire isn't a human. Any experiences you have now would be vampire experiences…" Edward explained.

"Nice way to kill all my dreams Eddy. See, I wanted the experience of divorcing you so I figured out what makes you tick and disagreed with every thing you said. Of course you can't see the equator…*Sigh* I still believe in the Bermuda Triangle, though! Anyway, I got Alice to help me by making Emmett go to Harvard Law (I'm still surprised Emmett graduated!) and helping me divorce you. Oh, she also forced me to let her torture you with her thoughts a few days. It was really hard not to talk to you, Edward, although I knew it was going to be over in a few days. Just when I thought you were either going to go crazy or kill someone, I decided to tell you the truth. Please propose to me, Edward!" Bella explained.

"Uh… would you marry me (again)?" Edward asked.

"Ooooooh, Edward, of course! (Being married to you was fun! ;D )"

**A/N: I forgot to say: Heck, I don't own Twilight!!!!!! I hope you liked my story! It would make me happy if you did! If you read this you're awesome! If you respond I love you in a completely friendly, platonic, non-creepy way! -Em!!! ******


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